For the oh so few who follow this wonderful blog of my personal ranting and raving, I am starting a political/comedic/opinion based blog that I am hoping will remain more of an outlet for my professional work (since I am now a young professional and all...). So please come read, leave comments, tell me my writing isn't too terrible, and enjoy.

new blog!!!

And if there is any turmoil in my life that I can't find an outlet for, rest assured you will be entertained through this forum as well.

It's true. You end up regretting the things you DON'T do.



(Thankfully I have a best friend who knows when to give me a swift kick in the ass to get me going.)



I hate the Yankees.

Screw this, I'm going outside.

It's about time I think less and do more.

:]

The U.S. Patriot Act was a terrible step backwards for America. Now, this is not a new revelation, but I recently had a friend who was detained coming back into the U.S. from Canada. Using a terrorist attack to build fear to pass an act is ridiculous, but what is more ridiculous is we as citizens did not question this more until we realized it was too late and our personal liberties were diminished.

God bless, America!


On another note: I googled my name today for the hell of it and I can't believe how many Heather Bowers are out there. :( I'm having an identity crisis.

The best piece of advice I ever got from an ISU professor:
"Thinking people change their minds."

I love socially inadequate people who tell the truth all the time, but not in a way that intentionally attacks another. It's refreshing.
I bring this up because I recently saw a trailer for the movie Adam. In the movie, a man with Asperger's Disorder starts a relationship with a woman who has moved into his apartment building. Asperger's is a mild variant of Autistic Disorder and individuals can function in society but are more likely to be socially inept. People with this disorder tend to have difficulty reading the emotions of others and understanding how to react to them. They tend to speak the truth and can say hurtful things without realizing that the other person perceives it that way. This in and of itself could cause problems in a relationship, but the idea of speaking the truth in a constructive and loving manner instead of filling a relationship up with lies is profound. How much better would everything be if we all just told the truth as often and as positively as possible? How much room would be left for the important things when all the lies are cleared out?
I've known people who lie daily and I can't help but feel that they are unfortunately underdeveloped. Will they ever realize that telling the truth is so much more efficient? The one big obstacle we all face is the fact that sometimes, the truth hurts. Hell, sometimes it even burns you more than anything ever will, but I still think it's better than piling up lie after lie until there is no way to tell which is real anymore.
Also, before we can begin to tell others the truth, we have to learn how to accept it for ourselves, which is much harder. Sometimes, we don't even know what the truth is.
I'm going to make it a point in my life to tell the truth as often as possible and to tell it in a developed way that is used to propel things forward. I think the more you tell someone the truth, the more they will want to have you in their life.

Truth #1: I have no idea what I'm talking about. I'm just a 22 year old girl for God's sake. Take what I say and develop your own ideas. Then tell me about them. I love hearing other people's perspectives.

I wanted to write something about my good friend Shannon. I recently reconnected with her after not seeing her for three years and the circumstance that brought us back together was the death of her father. Shannon and I were best friends all throughout junior high and high school and were really close so it was weird that we drifted apart for awhile, but that's how life is I guess. Anyway, her father died last Monday from Lou Gehrig's Disease. He was only 47. We went out for dinner the night after the wake and she told me all about what she had been through these past two years.
First of all, her mother and father were divorced years ago and her mother has been married and divorced two other times. Also, she is an alcoholic who is completely unreliable, so Shannon is basically an orphan. She has an older brother and sister, but she is the only one who still lives in the area, so she was the one who took her dying father to doctors appointments and went to his house to make him dinner so he could eat and dealt with his banking and decided to finally put him in a nursing home. This girl just turned 22. This isn't something she should have had to deal with and her dad was one of the nicest guys I have ever known. Sometimes life is unbelievably unfair.
The thing is, I admire her and her siblings for their strength. I admire how they don't hate God or the world for taking their father away. I'd imagine that it would be so easy to do those things.

I look at people who have real problems and thank my lucky stars that I have it so easy.

Today's philosophical rant is brought to you by own of my all-time favorite movies, Forrest Gump.

"I happen to believe you make your own destiny. You have to do the best with what God gave you."
"What's my destiny, Momma?"
"You're gonna have to figure that out for yourself, life is like a box of chocolates, Forrest, you never know what you're gonna get."

We are all alone in our lives trying to find out what our purpose is. No one will ever be able to find it for us and there's something profoundly beautiful in that.

This video is so kickass!

I've been on a Modest Mouse kick lately. I love them.

While we're on the subject
Could we change the subject now?
I was knocking on your ears
Don't worry, you were always out
Looking towards the future
We were begging for the past
Well, we know we had the good things
But those never seemed to last
Oh, please just last

Everyone's unhappy
Everyone's ashamed
Well we all just got caught looking
At somebody else's page
Well, nothing ever went
Quite exactly as we planned
Our ideas held no water
But we used them like a dam

I can't can't can't can't can't can't can't can't CAN'T wait to move to Chicago.

I'm thinking of setting up a P.O. box where people can send donations to the Heather Bowers Fund for Future Establishment.

I came in with Halley's Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year (1910), and I expect to go out with it. It will be the greatest disappointment of my life if I don't go out with Halley's Comet. The Almighty has said, no doubt: "Now here are these two unaccountable freaks; they came in together, they must go out together."
- Mark Twain, a Biography

I think this will happen to me too being that I can be an unaccountable freak at times. I came into the world in 1986 and will leave it in 2061.

So tonight I decided to reconnect with some old friends from the good old days at LPHS and seeing as I lack a set of wheels, I made my way to their houses on my one and only bad ass bicycle from the old Tulios Big Dog Cyclerey. First house I went to was my good friend Steph. I propped my bike against her house (since $300 seems to not include a kickstand) and went up to her porch and rang her doorbell. No answer. Now this is not unusual. Many a times in high school I went to Steph's house and no one answered the door even though all the cars were in the driveway. So I rang again and again until finally her nephew answered the door and told me "stef's no home" so i thanked him and got back onto my bike and headed down Creve Coeur to see my good friend Nikki. I got to Nikki's house and all of her dogs came running to the door when they saw me and her mom screamed at her sister to see who was there and she proceeded to tell me that Nikki had moved!! to Ottawa!!! This came as a huge disappointment. Nikki Wessman was always supposed to live in that small house on that brick road, and I was always supposed to come visit her on my bike when I was bored. (sadface) After that, I was too bummed out to see if anyone else was home so I rode my bike home and played some Rock Band with my brother.

Also, someone invited me to a facebook (why do I facebook still?) group remembering this kid from high school who died suddenly from meningitis. Everyone joins this group and writes their memories of this person and I had my own from when we went to junior high together. During lunch, we would always have to sit alphabetical on a long table with those colored benches that were prominent in every junior high cafeteria in 1999. This was intimidating to me because I was surrounded by boys on ALL sides and they would always gang up and tease me simply because I was the only girl in the line of fire. Anyway, the seventh graders and eighth graders ate lunch at separate times, but the 8th grade BAND kids would eat lunch with us and the three kids that were in band were all boys and they all sat across from me at my table. Now, some would think this would be disheartening for a girl who was already surrounded by boys, but this kid always made me laugh. The other boys teased me as a group activity, but this boy teased me as a friend to make me laugh. I'll always remember that. <3 He was a really good person and the world is a worse place without him. If there is a heaven, I'm sure he's there.
There was a link to follow to read some of his writing (and he was a Communications major like me) so I decided to check it out and found something interesting:

ok, so heres the deal, i've been drinkin tonite, and i've also been thinkin. i usually don't get all deep thinkin and sentimental in my life, but this is one night where i will.

so after i got off of work i went to my pal bens'. and we started talkin. and i want to address something that not a single person on this earth can grasp. it has to do with both space and death.

concerning both of this, we as a human race cannot grasp the fact that something is forever and its kind of nuts. think about it, experts say that space goes on forever. can you really think about the fact that something doesn't end. you could just keep on moving in a straight line forever, and what will you find, much more. since we've been born, we've been told that everything ends, but space doesn't, and neither does death, and it literally just boggles the mind to think about it. this is probably the time where i start talking circles, but what the hell happens after death. i've known many people who have died, some very close, and although it sucks that they died, i'm envious because they know the answer to the ultimate riddle of what happens after death.

so, as you sleep tonite, lay in bed and maybe just think about the notion of infinity and how incredible it is, maybe it'll do somethin for ya, maybe you'll think im a dueschbag, whatever suits ya.

it really sux, cuz im so drunk that i can't really put into words exactly what im trying to convey right now. but in the imortal words of bruce weber "who cares."

oh yea, i got this christmas card from some family that i kno. their is a kid on it, and his face really sux...boo him.

drew

Often, I find myself missing the people I've lost touch with. One thing's for sure, I have a wicked memory for remembering old friends.

I'm great at being cute, but I'm terrible at being sexy.

Here's an interesting (and short) banned Warner Brothers cartoon from the 1940s featuring Nazi ducks and a Hitler duck. Check it out here. There are also some about "negro" children who live in the jungle and one titled, I kid you not, "Red Hot Riding Hood." People are so ignorant. I'm sure in 50 years, we will look back and say we were ignorant about the rights of gays.

Biggest goal: stop giving a damn what people think.

Everyone who's anyone knows I don't like pork chops, so what do they make...pork chops. Then they claim it's my fault that I am a picky eater. I didn't realize we lived in Russia.

Welcome to the first installment of what I like to call:

If I Ran the World (shouted by Laurence Fishburne)

In today's piece, I would like to discuss the state of our American political system and the decrease in our personal liberties. The United States government has become too involved in the personal freedoms of private citizens and businesses. We are being told what we can't do, not what we can. We have cameras on us all the time and our daily activities online are being monitored (please don't lock me up for expressing my opinions!) We are subject to fear mongering by the people who we elect into power through clever use of the media and emotions. The very people who are supposed to keep a check on the government are instead easily influenced to lead the public toward certain ideas that benefit those in power. Using fear to rally support has been used since the times of the Cicero. Our own nation used this tactic to gain support for the Spanish-American War in 1898. Yellow journalism and sensationalism on the part of William Randolph Hearst, owner of several prominent newspapers, lead to the spread of rumors as fact and the blind belief in the hearts and minds of millions of American citizens. What we need is a media that asks the hard questions and is not operated by those who wish to control for their own personal gain. We also need a complete remodeling of the political parties. Very few American citizens ever have a chance to become President if anything because they lack the money necessary to run a campaign. Our choices are limited, usually to bad or worse. There is a true lack of proper representation in American government and multiple parties should be allowed a stronger voice to express their viewpoints. No democracy lasts forever and it is up to the citizens of this country to question our leaders and speak up when we think things are going wrong. If I ran the world, the media would be an outlet of unbiased truth-telling that would encourage us to fight for the protection of our civil liberties. After all, that's what we wanted in the first place.

I love Larry David! He has cute shoes.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pl9akLLPDEQ&feature=related
I wish he would follow me around and narrate my life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MnFMrNdj1yY&feature=related

How could we possibly be alone? Are we so egotistical to think that we are the only life in the entire universe? Scientifically, there are probably millions of planets that have the perfect conditions for the maintenance of life. Collectively, we really only know .00000000000000000001% of anything. I want to know more than that.


If this doesn't make you even consider believing in something, I don't know if you ever will.

The more I know, the less I understand

For the first time in my life, I feel like I'm onto something big. I'll let you know when I find it. (What a wonderful summer.)


"I have repeatedly said that in my opinion the idea of a personal God is a childlike one. You may call me an agnostic, but I do not share the crusading spirit of the professional atheist whose fervor is mostly due to a painful act of liberation from the fetters of religious indoctrination received in youth. I prefer an attitude of humility corresponding to the weakness of our intellectual understanding of nature and of our own being." Albert Einstein

"I'm not an atheist and I don't think I can call myself a pantheist. We are in the position of a little child entering a huge library filled with books in many languages. The child knows someone must have written those books. It does not know how. It does not understand the languages in which they are written. The child dimly suspects a mysterious order in the arrangements of the books, but doesn't know what it is. That, it seems to me, is the attitude of even the most intelligent human being toward God." Albert Einstein

"The minority, the ruling class at present, has the schools and press, usually the Church as well, under its thumb. This enables it to organize and sway the emotions of the masses, and make its tool of them."
-- Albert Einstein, letter to Sigmund Freud (30 July 1932)

"Against overwhelming logic, some atheists continue to claim that the universe and human life were created by chance. A reply to this argument has been developed by the philosopher, William Lane Craig. The atheist's argument states that since we're here, we know this must have all happened by material forces. Craig's counter-argument states,

'Suppose a dozen sharp-shooters are sent to execute a prisoner by firing squad. They all shoot a number of rounds in that direction, but the prisoner escapes unharmed. The prisoner could conclude, since he is alive, that all the sharp-shooters missed by some extremely unlikely chance. He may wish to attribute his survival to some remarkable piece of good luck. But he would be far more rational to conclude that the guns were loaded with blanks or that the sharp-shooters had deliberately missed. Not only is life itself overwhelmingly improbable, but its appearance, almost immediately, perhaps in as short a period as 10 million years following the solidification and cooling of our once molten planet, defies explanation by conventional physical and chemical laws.'"


My thinking stems from a blend of my knowledge and beliefs in the systems of cosmology, psychology, spirituality, science, and personal experience. Everyday is a reformation of the ability to think for myself.

<3

Why we should always question those in power:
http://whatreallyhappened.com/WRHARTICLES/ARTICLE5/index.html?q=ARTICLE5/

I know you little, I love you lots,

my love for you could fill ten pots,

fifteen buckets, sixteen cans,

three teacups, and four dishpans.

I wish I'd known you all when we were little.

We wouldn't understand what it was like to not have fun.

Disappointment is a feeling I am rather familiar with. Let me tell you why, oh sweet blog of my pitiful self-analysis. People tend to let me down because I have such high expectations for them. I flit between two different worlds; the dreamy, wonderful world in my head and the harsh real world. I hate being bothered with what I deem as unnecessary wastes of time such as doing the dishes, shopping for groceries, and other mindless activities. I hope it’s not something that will be a detriment in my future. If I could be great at something I’m not actually all too good at, it would be music. I’d love to just sing and play instruments and write songs and perform in front of people. That’s got to be one of the biggest highs ever. That and being a professional athlete who has just won a big event. I live for feelings like that. My emotions are right on the surface and normally I do a good job at controlling them, but I always feel things very deeply. TOO deeply sometimes. I just want excitement and adventure and an ability to do profound things with my life. Monotony absolutely kills me. Every single day I come up with tons of these romantic ideas about what I want to do with my life and they usually remain just that and I get discouraged. And to top it off, most of the people I know are stupid left brain thinkers who only see in black and white and like to solve equations for fun and have no idea what I mean when I say the things I am thinking. Why was I cursed to be so idealistic and romantic??

Goddamn, I miss living in the city.

Blasphemy at its finest: http://www.nbc.com/Late_Night_with_Conan_O%27Brien/video/clips/good-priest-bad-priest-72808/280744/

Kim Jung Il has pancreatic cancer? My theory is that the original Kim Jung Il is long gone and that North Korea has picked up several look-alikes doing theater in Seoul. This is just an excuse to switch out the old Kim Jung Il decoy who has been disobeying the government.

After listening to these two guys hurl sarcastic comments on the bus all the way back from the Cubs game, I started to think about the art of sarcasm.
It's a form of comedy that takes years to perfect and intelligence to maintain, but the most important kind of intelligence behind sarcasm is not social or factual, but emotional. Here's why:
MANY people I know use sarcasm daily. Several of them use it to mask insecurity and aggressiveness. Though their comments appear funny on the surface, they lack the emotional connection with those around them. Good comedy includes; bad sarcasm does not.
Sarcasm abuses wit. Those who truly use wit don't use other people as the fuel for their humor. They use the absurdities of events and actions instead. Self deprecation, satire, and camp connect with the audience instead of isolating them in the way that unintelligent sarcasm does. In conclusion, good comedy and humor comes not from the smart yet biting use of sarcasm but the intelligent emotional connection that a person makes with another.
That is why all good comedy stems from sadness. Sadness allows for the ability to understand people.

To those who continue to use biting sarcasm as a display of your intelligence, maybe I'm on to something??

Road to Perdition is SO much better than Public Enemies for five reasons:
One. Paul Newman is not in Public Enemies and Johnny Depp is. Johnny Depp is WAY overrated. I enjoyed him in What's Eating Gilbert Grape, Edward Scissorhands, and Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, but after Willy Wonka and three films of Jack Sparrow, I think he's too mainstream.
Two. The musical score in Perdition is perfect. It flows through every scene like it's a character along for the ride.
Three. Tom Hanks is a bad ass.
Four. In Perdition, Daniel Craig is a wimp and Jude Law is a mouse; the only interesting character in Public Enemies was Baby Face Nelson, and he was stereotyped.
Five. The "love story" in Public Enemies was a terrible distraction from what could have been a movie about why Dillinger was the way he was.

Just saying.

I love it when people push me to rethink about the ways of the world. In my own feeble attempt to make sense of the world around me I always appreciate those who remain honest and say what they think, even if it's not considered normal or conventional. Among my circle of friends and acquaintances, I sometimes feel that there are very few dynamic personalities. I can size most of them up pretty quickly and that leaves little room for challenges and growth. Hardly any of them push me and make me think it's possible that I might not know as much as I think I do. Maybe I sound arrogant or maybe I'm underestimating people, but most of the people I know are too simple for me. Let me clarify something though; simple is not always a bad thing. Sometimes you find a simple person who teaches you more than an intellectual will teach you because they don't let bullshit get in the way of their lives. At this point in my life I need an incredible amount of intellectual stimulation. When you're young you need to be pushed and pulled and change your mind about things over and over in order to reach that point where things make sense and you can simply live. You need to make messes and mistakes and fail and you need to find people who tell you the truth, even when it's hard to tell.
"Thinking people change their minds."

If I had to choose between the Chicago baseball teams, it would be the White Sox. Now I'm the type to root for the underdog and some would argue that the Cubs are the biggest underdog in baseball, but I disagree. Here's why:
Typically underdogs are teams that rarely (or never) win. They are teams that have a few crummy players, a wealth of average players, and one great player that is always overlooked by the good teams. They are teams who don't have a cache of money stored up to build the best field or buy the best players. They are teams who can't fill the stands because too few people have the patience to put their faith in them. These criteria do not fit the Chicago Cubs (except for the never winning part). The Cubs have several great players, tons of money pouring in incredibly overpriced food and beverages (which are most stadiums), name recognition across the country, a historic field, and fans that fill the field with obnoxiousness. Therefore, they are not considered underdogs in my mind.
Also, my grandma is a HUGE Cub fan and is always calling me to tell me Derek Lee hit a home run. Ok, Grams. Cubs fans tend to be annoying, but White Sox fans are the Rodney Dangerfields of baseball complaining about the lack of respect.
This is why I am a Red Sox fan.

Someday I will do funny skits on a tv show for a living:
http://www.nbc.com/Late_Night_with_Conan_O%27Brien/video/clips/late-night-favorites-old-time-baseball-/1036062/

I love Conan.

Here it is...what you've all been waiting for...the conclusion of Euro Trip 2009! (At least pretend you're excited, ok?)

After spending a few days under the gloomy skies of Paris, we boarded a British Airways plane and embarked on a 40 minute flight to Heathrow. (The flight attendant had the cutest British accent ever even though Hannah said she was a bitch.) We arrived at the airport, which I though was extremely empty compared to what I've always heard about it, and got our rental car. Hannah's mom then showed us exactly how NOT to drive on the left side of the road and rammed into a few curbs.
The next day we headed out onto the M4 and through alfalfa fields and English countrysides. After missing the exit to Windsor Castle, we drove around and around till we finally found my favorite part of the entire trip.......Stonehenge! (Yes, a bunch of rocks were my favorite part of Europe.) Now as we all know, Stonehenge is in the middle of nowhere, which is right next to a whole lot of nothing (except an obnoxious highway.) As if the highway wasn't obnoxious enough, there were tourists everywhere. My one wish for the trip was that we'd get to Stonehenge and there wouldn't be a soul in sight. What a disappointment. Despite this fact, the whole atmosphere was eerie and soothing which is right up my alley. Imagine being there back when the druids ran rampant, the full moon shining through the slabs, fog slinking across the fields...
I left Stonehenge with some more rocks for my dad and we headed to Bath, England, home of the famous Roman Baths where the Romans had their infamous orgies. Not too much happened there so I will skip ahead to...
LONDON! This was by far my favorite city on the whole trip. First, everyone spoke English and second, everyone spoke English in British accents. The first night we arrived, Hannah and I decided to go out and experience an authentic London pub. We ordered beer and proceeded to drink it when two guys (one English, Eddie and one Scottish, Sean) started talking to us about the Royal Army, etc. Before the night was over, we ended up getting more drinks at another bar, leaving a kabob on the street for the "tramps", and ending our night at a gay bar listening to a 58-year old, gay Scottish man named "Mother" talk about his conversations with Tyra Banks. Everybody at the bars said they loved us because we were "American and adorable." I'm still not sure if they meant that as a compliment or an insult.
The next morning we woke up bright and early (argh) and went to see Buckingham Palace. It turns out they were having this huge rehearsal for the Changing of the Colors, which is done for the Queen's b-day. All of the guards and horses and knights (I felt trapped in a giant game of chess) were out parading around and in general, wasting time.From there, we went through the cabinet war rooms where Churchill held secret meetings and lived in a bunker. It was like stepping right back in time waiting for the bombs to drop on London. Then it was off to Big Ben and Westminster Abbey.We ended the night by taking the Tube (subway) to Tower Bridge and waited for a dinky sailboat to go underneath it. (Note: the boat in the following picture is not the referenced "dink sailboat.)The next morning, we got up early and headed to the Tower of London where we saw Henry VIII's armour, the crown jewels, the site of the execution of Anne Boleyn, and the infamous towers, moats, and torture chambers. I ended up losing Hannah and her family so I roamed around the Tower by myself completing it before they even got halfway through. They decided they wanted to go back to Tower Bridge and I needed some space so I decided to split from the group and took the Underground up to Hyde Park, Notting Hill, and Kensington Palace. I saw the Sherlock Holmes museum, bought an awesome hat at a thrift store, and managed to get lost only once. I walked through the park and Kensington and beat the family back to the hotel where we watched The Queen and started packing for our long journey to the good ole' U.S. of A.
The following morning we got up before the sun to catch our 7:30 flight to Chicago (longest flight of my life-out of all six I've been on) and I managed to score a window seat (but had to get up to go to the bathroom five times.) At 10:30 Central time, we arrived in O'Hare and said our goodbyes, thankful that we could get some much needed space.


My mom and grandma picked me up and I made them immediately take me to Denny's for American food.

Sometimes you actually read something that makes sense!

"It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things
about yourself that you didn't know and may not like.
You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year
or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are
now. You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those
friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the
greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost
touch with are some of the most important ones.What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as
confused as you. You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you
thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and
realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and
that scares you.

Your opinions have gotten stronger.

You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than
usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries
in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't.
One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further
and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward. You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot
figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't
a bad person. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.
You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and
talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot
seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for
yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now
you'd just like to be a contender! What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it.

We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as
hard as we can to figure this whole thing out."

Sometimes, life is so unbelievably beautiful. It probably always is, but we rarely ever recognize it because we're so wrapped up in ourselves and our "problems" and our emotions. I have discovered that most the time, we go through life and things are just mediocre. Sometimes we can fix that and sometimes we can't. It's those rare moments we live for. Those moments that fill us up and make us feel like we can't take it anymore because nothing has ever felt so good. I don't know a single person who feels that way all the time because if we all felt that way all the time, how would we ever be able to grow and to learn. When things always go right for you, you're never knocked down a few pegs. You never realize there is something in the dark that you might be missing that can make the light so much more than you can imagine having never been there.

I've learned more in this past year than I have ever learned in my whole life. I pushed myself to live far from home not knowing a soul and experienced some amazing things that no one will ever know about. I think going off on your own for awhile is one of the best things a person could ever do. Learning to rely only on yourself is the fastest way to see who you really are. There are things I did in Boston and places I went all on my own that no one will ever know about. They are things that only I can hold onto; experiences only I will ever feel, and there is something comforting about that. It's like a little bit of the world I can hold onto that I don't have to share with everyone else.

I'm quite the sentimentalist trying to disguise myself as a cynic but failing miserably. I just can't do it. It's not me.

"Now will saying "yes" get you in trouble at times? Will saying "yes" lead you to doing some foolish things? Yes it will. But don't be afraid to be a fool. Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don't learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying "yes" begins things. Saying "yes" is how things grow. Saying "yes" leads to knowledge. "Yes" is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say "yes.""



hmmmm

Paris: a city of gypsies, tramps, and thieves. (Thankfully no Cher)

After we departed from Milan on our overnight train, Hannah and I proceeded to lock ourselves into our sleeping unit and pass out as the train silently slithered through the Alps. It was by far the best sleep I had on the whole trip (which was quite lacking in the amount of time allotted for sleep). We arrived in Paris the next morning where none of us could speak the language. Some slimy Parisian man bought us one way tickets on le Metro (when he was supposed to be getting us day passes) and the weather was overcast. Hello black and white photos.
After walking forever and ever to get to our hotel, we finally arrived (did I mention I was tired?), unloaded all of our over packed suitcases and crossed the Seine to go and see Notre Dame Cathedral. It was actually a very cool place. I love Gothic architecture so it was interesting to see the gargoyles and the flying buttresses. (note: we found the hunchback riding the Metro and singing for change. He is actually a gypsy woman who hasn't bathed since Charles de Gaulle was President.) There were tons of people inside the cathedral taking pictures, talking loudly, and not worshipping in general.After that, we walked along the Champs-Élysées, which I did not pronounce correctly the entire time I was in France. It is French for Elysian Fields or the place in Greek Mythology were the brave and heroic go when they die. I guess they need Gucci shades in the Underworld. We saw many fancy establishments that I will never be shopping at and ended up at the Arc de Triomphe (arch of triumph for my English-speaking readers). For those who are unaware, it is a memorial to french soldiers (ha!) who fought mostly in the Napoleonic Wars. (Special thanks to Wikipedia for the history lesson.) When we got there, dozens of French war veterans were lining up and posing for photos for the American tourists. Here are some of them in their funny hats:
There was a ceremony scheduled so the big bad French police kicked us all out and we had to go to see what everybody and their brother goes to see when they're in Paris. I have so much faith in my readers that I will just show you a picture and let you imagine your own lovely, romantic scenario instead of boring you with my own.
We took a night cruise on the Seine and ate some crepes and took a cab back to our hotel to SLEEP! :] We also watched some of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movie in French.
The next day, we spilt up and Hannah and I took the Metro to Sacre Coeur while her family walked around and around and around at the Louvre. I found a passport from Hong Kong and turned it into the lift operator. I'm still waited for reward of good karma thank you very much. I wanted to go see the Moulin Rouge so we walked through the red light district and saw lots of creepy men trolling the sidewalks. Then we went to a cemetery and too the Metro back to the Louvre (which is THE spot for gypsy watching might I add).
After that, we hauled all of our crap into a van and went to the airport, boarded a plane, and headed for merry ol' England!

...to be continued

"We can be as honest as we are ignorant. If we are, when asked what is beyond the horizon of the known, we must say that we do not know."

It's official. I've become agnostic. There could be a God, but then again there very likely could not be, and I accept that. It's a sad and lonely thought but it's also a logical one. I've always wanted to believe that there was something bigger out there than myself and the world I live in but this could be all there is. Maybe everything is just a series of coincidences and we read too deeply into them searching for meaning behind our messy lives. Maybe we experience traumatic dilemmas in our lives that we can't mentally or emotionally handle so we seek out "someone" who can make things right or who we can blame instead of blaming ourselves. It's really hard to look at yourself and realize how little control you actually have over anything. Karl Marx referred to religion as opium for the masses and maybe it is, but life isn't always easy. We all have our versions of opium so what's the difference if someone wants to believe in God? If there is a God, they will find out when they die, and if there isn't, they'll never know the difference. In conclusion: maybe the people who believe in God have figured out that ignorance is bliss? And if you had the chance to know for sure, would you be willing to hear the answer?

I was recently reading a quote from someone about the War in Iraq and it went something along the lines of: “I don’t like war. I don’t have that much respect for Bush. He’s about war. I’m not about war--a lot of people are not about war.” First I’ll state that I did not vote for Bush when he ran for a second term and I did not agree with going to war with Iraq but I can’t stand when people draw simple conclusions without thinking them through. Sure, Bush was not our most intelligent President to run the Oval Office, but I highly doubt that he went to war just because he liked it. I think to him, it was the only way he knew how to protect the country. Therefore, I think the people who are disgusted with the ignorance and buffoonery and make one-dimensional statements like this are displaying the same ignorance they despise.

I made it across the Atlantic and back with only a sunburn, some bruises, and some leftover Euro.

I have seen a lot in the past two and a half weeks. My mind is still buzzing from all of the planes, trains, subways, taxis, buses, and escalators I've been on. Also, traveling with anyone's family, even if its not your own, can be taxing on one's patience.

Italy:
After a long flight to Rome which consisted of a mere three hours of darkness, a layover in D.C. and a train ride from the airport, I was reunited with my friend and spent the day walking around like a zombie at the Vatican imagining kicking the disgusting pigeons through goal posts. After a long night of regenerating, it was off to the sites of ancient Rome. We arrived at the Roman Forum bright and early (in my mind anyway) and proceeded to walk through row after row of ruins. Now don't get me wrong, it was very interesting to see the places where Julius Caesar walked and to stand at the exact location of the Roman senate, but once you've seen one column or sculpture, in my opinion, you've seen them all. After swiping some rocks from Augustus' palace, we went to what was one of my favorite places on the trip, the Coliseum. As epic and grandiose as it seems from pictures, you don't get a real sense of the place until you walk within it's walls. With the hoards of tourists clad in brightly colored fanny-packs, it can be hard to imagine the intense battles and rowdy crowds of ancient Rome, but the history of the place seeps through the holes in the walls that were left during the construction. To the Romans, this was their Yankee Stadium if you will. The place could be flooded to re-enact sea battles and senators had life-long box seats, so to speak. Following the sites of ancient Rome, we wandered up north the see the Spanish Steps and eat some authentic Italian food. The food in Italy is very good, but growing up on food that has been processed and preserved, I noticed the difference right away. Italian food is much more subtle than American food. Flavors come naturally and therefore are much less distinct. They also charge you for water in Italy, which I thought was slightly ridiculous.
The following day led us to the Vatican again, but this time we skipped St. Peter's Basilica and went to the museum instead. Hannah and I sped through the thousands of sculptures, paintings, rugs, and relics to get to the Sistine Chapel. Unfortunately, when we got there, it was loaded shoulder to shoulder with people drooling over Michelangelo's frescoes. The painting of God and Adam was smaller than expected and after getting claustrophobic, we decided to go sit out in the gardens to wait for her family. When the got outside (finally!) we decided to head over to the Pantheon, which is the oldest dome in Rome. It was one of the best sites on the trip considering how incredibly preserved it was. Upon entering, a rush of cool air hits you and the remarkable circle sky light allows enough light in to cast an eerie glow on the walls. It's amazing to see the craftsmanship that was put into a place built LONG before the use of heavy machinery and computers.At nightfall, we headed to see some of Rome's famous fountains, including the Trevi Fountain. It was more interesting watching black market workers run from the cops than studying the sculptures, but it was such a bella serata that I didn't mind the crowds. The following morning we went to the catacombs which were filled with hundreds of thousands of bones and mummified monks. After that, we hopped on TrenItalia and headed through the Tuscan countryside to Venice.
Venice was nice and humid. After hauling all of our luggage onto water taxis and over bridges and canals, we finally got through the maze of streets and made it to our hostel. The next morning we walked the streets of Venice, climbed to the top of St. Marco's Cathedral, and looked at the famous Venetian masks and glass. We took a ride on a gondola (any boat ride makes me happy) and were taken through the canals by our guide Stephano. Here he is on his cellphone:
That night we went to the water's edge and watched an intense lightning storm before retiring to our entirely uncomfortable beds and making the trek in the morning to the rental car place.
Thus began our experience of being smashed into a car with five people and a ton of luggage. Of course Hannah and I had to sit in back with her grandma and all of the crap. We drove through the countryside till we reached the foothills of the Alps and the town of Calvene where Hannah's fifth? cousins live. Most of them knew very little English and most of us knew very little Italian so there was a lot of confusion, but we managed to get feed and stayed the night for free. The Italians love to eat so we were sitting at the table almost every two hours eating pasta, bread, antipasti, and tiramisu and drink the wine from the vineyard and champagne from Paris. Michaela took us to see some villas and throughout the town and we met the extended family for dinner. Hannah and I stayed in the upstairs apartment of Francesco (the funniest person I ever met who spoke a language I didn't understand) and Flora. After our time there, we drove our rental car to Milan and hopped an overnight train to Paris...

to be continued.

The most exciting part of a rocket launch is the countdown from ten.

I bought a DVD biography on Al Capone for a whole dollar at Wal-Mart and it was a total steal. First, there are some awful reenactments, which are always humorous. But in all honesty, it would have been so cool to live in Chicago in the 1920s. Shooting tommy guns looks fun, you sissies!





If your heart says change, then change.

It won't be easy.

An open letter to former River Rat (ahem Governor) Rod Blagojevich and all of those in the state of Illinois who piss away all of our tax money:

Thank you for neglecting to grind and repave Route 178 through Utica. This road has been in a state of disaster ever since the tornado blew through town in 2004 and the state still hasn't fixed it! What makes matters worse is that hundreds of fully-loaded semis travel through town on their way to and from the grain elevators and cement plants creating further damage to the road. I notice you have tried to put a band-aid on the problem by patching places here and there, but it is definitely not working. I bring this to your attention because I was driving to work today in a heavy downpour and almost bottomed out my car in a place where it was clear there had been several water main breaks. There are countless potholes as far as the eye can see; are you waiting for a car to fall through the road? I understand the plan to reroute 178 around the downtown area, but that plan has been discussed since 2004 and is at least ten years down the road. In the mean time, can you just fix the mess before something serious happens?

A disgruntled taxpayer.

Here's proof (kind of) that I made it! In four years! With a 3.5! I always wanted to graduate summa cum laude, but then I realized how unimportant that was to me when I had to drop Latin...stupid dead language.

My baby brother is graduating high school tonight.
I remember when he was still in preschool.
I leave for Europe in 5 days.
I get to see my best friend for the first time in 6 months.

That's all for now.

P.S. I hope my kid is this cute (and Canadian!): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZGfRX7C12w&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tyoFVvY9Z_M&feature=related
AND
I wish I could sing like these hippies: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HMrqBldlqzA

Goodbyes are always the hardest things in the world for me. I've said goodbye to so many people and it never gets any easier.


Went fishing today and got fried. I was also traumatized by a large bee-like insect, but that's an embarrassing story involving a fish hook. Sitting in the sun all day always makes me sleep like the dead. While I was fishing I was thinking about:

1. How enjoyable it would be to be able to sit outdoors and not be disturbed by an type of insect.
2. How much I really wanted some Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
3. What I would do when I moved up to Chicago.
4. Why I was sucking at fishing.
5. Whether or not it was going to rain.

Now I realize these are rather profound thoughts for a college graduate, but bare (?) with me dear readers, here is what I concluded:

1. It would be extremely enjoyable to eliminate any bug that had a stinger, flew rather quickly, or could carry a million times its weight. The only bugs that could stay would be butterflies, rolly-pollies, and lightning bugs.
2. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is STILL way better than Apple jacks.
3. The verdict is still out on that.
4. I blame Sean.
5. It didn't, but it almost looked like it would.

You know how you try your damnedest to keep putting one foot in front of the other and you are kind of accomplishing something and bam: a phone call at 3 a.m. or hearsay brings you back right where you started? Well folks, welcome to my life. Welcome to my life for the past three-ish months of thinking, "What's wrong with me?" and "What did I do wrong?" Welcome to me questioning whether I'm not funny enough or interesting enough. Trying to be a good person is really hard. Especially when I see so many people around me not trying.

I hate when someone you really care about is just seriously fucking up their lives. And there is absolutely nothing you can do about it but watch them drown. I hope that person doesn't hate me for not trying, it's just not for me to do.

I would never want something that wasn't REAL. You hear?

I'm convinced I am on a different wavelength than 90% of the world; not like that's a bad thing.

I'll be on my way to Rome in exactly two weeks. Ready to kick some gladiator ass.

H.

The Louies of my life.

What an angel: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a4msaZTJrTA

The sweetest people I know/know of are named Lou or Louie:
Lou Gehrig O:]
Louie Riva, who used to give my brother and I free Archie comics when we were little. O:]

Ugh.

Never drinking ever again.

(That's probaby not true.)

Weekend Update

I really should write in this more often.

1. I hate being alone. More than anything in the world. I need to be around people all the time these days. I don't think there's anything wrong with that but sometimes I worry about codependency.

2. I'm going on so many vacations this summer! Europe (Italy, France, England), Michigan (Detroit! woo hoo the worst city in the country), Colorado (Rockies/Cubs game), and various trips to Chicago/Six Flags. In conclusion: best summer ever!

3. I am going to get a dog. It's time for a new one. RIP Fishy.

4. Always have a plan B.

5. I'm starting to really like baseball. Though I really don't have a favorite team as of yet but I lean toward the Red Sox.

Distractions are a sign that God doesn't believe in the grading system/

"What if Id been born fifty years before you
In a house on a street where you lived?
Maybe Id be outside as you passed on your bike
Would I know?"



I'm in the library reading a book called "Sex-pionage" when I should be doing school work.

A month to go.

Future self: You are looking at these entries right now and realizing how wonderfully stupid and young you were. Don't feel bad for the paths/choices/mistakes you made. You are quirky and fun as hell, even if some people don't get it. Just know how important you are to yourself.
Love, Past self.




I will miss it terribly.

look at it in a different way

It's awfully wonderful what boys can get you interested in. And when they are no longer there, how you're still interested in those things.



H.

Meet your match.

Reading other people's stuff is always much more interesting than reading mine, take note.

The last thing I ever want in the world is to be like everybody else. The best times in your life are when you are around people and you can just completely be yourself. Those people are the ones I will never forget. These are the people who open the world up a little wider for me along the way.


"Most days I wish I never met you, because then I wouldn't walk around with the knowledge that someone like you was out there."

more thoughts

I've been thinking.....

I fear that I am slowly losing my idealism. I can't help but see the shitty things going. I know it happens to everyone to some degree and I'm not suffering some original crisis that needs a new name, but the world has gone and gotten itself crazier. It's not just me either. Everyone I talk to has been down lately. I can't figure it out and maybe I'm just thinking too much but it's just bothering me a lot lately. How does one keep from getting bitter and cynical, because that is the last thing I want to be. I've seen too many people my age become this way and it makes me so sad. But maybe that's what humor is for? To get us through these ridiculous times. Does all humor come from sadness or anxiety?

I can't wait for summer.

H.

The beginning of my crisis

I feel like I know less about life than I ever have. I seem to have gone through these stages since I was in fifth grade. Everyday I learn something about someone or myself or something that goes and gets me all confused again. I wish I had some answers to something. This time in my life is definitely the most terrifying. My dad says life is a series of crisis(es?). When you're in kindergarten and your favorite toy breaks, your world ends. When you are in junior high and your best friend stabs you in the back, your world ends. And etc... It's just steps up a ladder that when you look back you can't believe you reacted so dramatically. But you can only see it backwards. I don't understand why that is though. What is the point of going through all of these things and only seeing why after the fact? What do we get in the end? Piece of mind?

I don't really know if it's some kind of test or what. But then again, why do we need to be tested? I feel like I am being really melodramatic as of late, but it feels like the rug is being pulled out from under me. I guess the worst thing to come out of it is that I'll fall on my ass. And we all know I've done that enough times. I'm trying to pick myself up.

And another thing...I had to go to the store today to pick up some stuff for my mom and there was this middle-aged overweight woman pushing a mop in one of those harshly-lite freezer aisles. I don't know if I have ever seen anyone so miserable in my life. I thought...what if my life turns out like this? If I end up working at a menial job everyday doing the same exact thing and going home every night and falling asleep wishing I would never wake up. Or that I get stuck in LaSalle and see the same stupid people everyday and drive down the same streets and watch the years and my life fade away slowly. These are the kind of thoughts I've been having! Someone slap me out of this! I would absolutely die if I worked at the same grocery store for the rest of my life pushing a mop around or if I was lucky enough, working a register or two.

Something is wrong with me.

Four scores? Wtf's a score?

Abe Lincoln was frickin fascinating. How that man survived what he did is amazing. First of all, he was clinically depressed for most of his life and never had the help of anti-depressants and psychoanalysis. Also, he had the whole dividing of the United States of America on his shoulders. People hated him and wanted to kill him all the time. He had to take steps that made him a dictator in order to do what was right when a lot of people thought that it was wrong. He really didn't have too many people to talk to and commented on how he was the "loneliest man in the world." Having someone you trust who you can tell anything to is the most important thing to your sanity. But more importantly, it has to be someone who will tell you the truth and not just what you want to hear.

If I could talk to any historical figure, Lincoln would be it. I might have married him. Hey, smart is sexy.

H.

hardy har har

I love comedy. I love smart comedy. Usually the campy and satirical kind. I really wish I could develop my often slow wits to be much quicker in creating clever come backs. I usually have to be in a smarmy mood and have a ton of confidence behind me for this to happen. Basically this happens whenever I'm intoxicated. I'm thinking of maybe getting into a career that involves comedy. Like writing for Second City or something? We'll see.

Also, just my luck. Finally college students are getting much needed cash to spend on much overpriced classes. Except now I have to graduate. Lame.

H.

I promised I'd come back.

Hi blog, remember me? Of course not. You are a mere vehicle for the things I want to say but that nobody really cares to hear. Let's just say as of late I've been through the ringer. It's not something I really want to type about though so tough.

I've been rather nostalgic as of late and realize how much I miss Hannah. It really is a sin to keep the two of us apart. The best thing about our friendship is we both bring out and play off of each other's goofiness. Sometimes I think I'm a little quirkier than her but she is one of the few people who I can say what I am thinking to and it comes out kind of funny and self deprecating and charming. A lot of the times (as I've stated before, blog) I fell like I am too weird for people to rationally be friends with me. I don't have a self esteem issue or anything like that because I really do enjoy the person that I am, but I feel like a lot of the people who I hang out with don't really get it. Oh well.

Another revelation. I don't feel like I belong in this town anymore. Last spring it really felt like home more than home-home did, but all the (handful) of people who I really cared about have either left or changed while I was away. It almost is enough to make me sad that I left. I had this delusional idea that things would be relatively the same when I came back because I felt like I was still the same old me but that has not been the case. I just really miss last spring and all the fun I had with the people I had fun with.

I've found that my dad really is the greatest person I've ever known. He is the closest person I've ever known who I feel has life almost figured out. He knows people and what they do and why they do it. Thankfully we share most of the same traits. I also am grateful for the way my relationship with my mom and dad has evolved. I feel (especially with mi padre) that I can talk about anything and it is more on a level of a friend and not an authority figure. I definitely lucked out in the parent department because I know so many people who have parents who are screwed up more than they are. I also lucked out in the bro department as well. My brother the teddy bear. Some woman will be lucky to be with him someday if she can get around his video game habits, football obsession, and countless hours in the bathroom.

Enough for tonight. Tomorrow starts another round of classes that I feel like I've taken a million times already. Just hand me my damn degree ISU. God knows you've absolutely dried out my savings account.